“Your Mom was 96-she lived a good life. She lived 96 Christmases! Just think about that!”
You have the right to miss her.
“Well Jessi’s husband died and SHE’S going to the Christmas show. She even decorated her place.”
You have the right to not feel like going and stay home this time. And the right to not have to justify or explain your feelings.
“Oh common, baking those cookies will make you feel better!”
You have the right to go to Costco and buy a premade pack of those cranberry-white chocolate ones, thank you.
“So, you haven’t spoken to your brother in 3 years-it’s not like he’s dead.”
You have the right to grieve ambiguous loss.
“Ok, you need to stop dwelling on her. You guys divorced 5 years ago.”
You have the right to sometimes wish you had her back.
“Just think how lucky you were that they did not die in pain”?
You have the right to not have your grief judged by others.
“At least you HAD your dad around.”
You have the right to not have your grief compared.
“I know your sister died but you still have your brother.”
You have the right to feel grateful and grieve at the same time.
“It’s time to focus on your other kids and accept that your son is gone.”
You have the right to grieve for as long as you need to
“But it’s Christmas time, we always have dinner at your place. What do you mean you “don’t feel like it?”.
You have the right to say “no, not this time”. That’s a full sentence.
“Yeah, I know. I’ve heard that story about your Grandma over and over again. Can we talk about something different?”
You have the darn right to tell your story as many times over as you want!
Ah the holidays…..a time where people come together, except those who have died or departed, and where grief is asked to take a place somewhere behind the eggnog, bright lights, wrapped up gifts and all that cheer and get bombarded with statements like this above.
And yes…… (sigh) these things -and worse- have been said. Not out of malicious intent but perhaps due to grief illiteracy, discomfort. No one really wants grief at the dinner table.
Although You can’t control what others will say or do, there are ways to honour and validate your grief.
So here is yet another article on grief and the holidays (because we can’t get enough!)
No. This is not an article to help you feel better. Or take the pain away. Or make your holidays “cheery”.
Because no amount of eggnog, “Christmas cheer”, bright lights, Santa Claus, gifts, food., National Lampoon’s Vacation reruns. None of it, can take away the pain of loss.
This is an article of validation. Acknowledgement. To witness your pain. To acknowledge your rights. To honour your grief.
My job as a Grief and Loss Coach is not to make you feel better. But I can walk alongside you in the pain and provide you with some tools and strategies to help you create a light -your light -so you can figure your way through the dark.
In doing so, I have put together this article to share one of my favourite tool/way to hold space for your grief: by exploring the Mourner’s Bill of Rights. YOUR Bill of Rights as a Mourner.
I will also look at how you can create YOUR own mourners bill of rights for Christmas (or any holiday-or any day, for that matter)!
A Short Bit About Grief and Holidays
There are a lot of articles this time of year on how to navigate the holidays and grief.
Grief is a place no one wishes to be in. It sucks. Any time of the year.
Certain events and circumstance however can re-ignite or heighten the grief and bring about unexpected waves, tsunamis, sometimes floods, of a wide range of emotions.
By events and circumstances, this can mean the change in seasons, anniversaries, celebrations, rituals, the start of the school season, New Years-things that really, mark a time in place, where memories are created and then placed.
The holiday season is one of these events.
But why? Many reasons, possibly including:
It’s a reminder that your loved one is no longer here.
A reminder that things have changed forever.
What once was may now be an empty chair at the Christmas table.
A memory…slowly fading and getting entangled with new memories, that you may not be ready for, or may resist. Because you want the old ones back
But they don’t.
The music, smells, traditions, baking, putting up decorations, …how can these things continue without your loved one?
Yet they do.
And yes, there is meaning after loss. We learn to integrate, adapt and live with the grief. We are designed to grieve.
So please, this holiday season, and for any holiday or special occasion going forward, whatever holiday you celebrate or decide not to anymore, know and honour your rights!
What is the Mourner’s Bill of Rights?
Written by The Mourner’s Bill of Rights by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D..; these are 10 “rights” of the Mourner.
Microsoft Word – The Mourner’s Bill of Rights.docx
So, print this out, memorize it, frame it. Take it to your Christmas Dinner.
So here is the Mourner’s Bill of Rights. You will find copies of it online. Here is a link to one that includes a children’s rights as well (as children grieve differently than adults)
I have also copied and pasted them into this article:
The Mourner’s Bill of Rights by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain “rights” no one should try to take away from you. The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.
“You have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.
You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.
You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.
You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel ready to do.
You have the right to experience “griefbursts.” Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.
You have the right to make use of ritual. The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.
You have the right to embrace your spirituality. If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment. You have the right to search for meaning.
You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them. You have the right to treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.
You have the right to move toward your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you should forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.
*Courtesy of Faith & Grief Ministries Learn More at faithandgrief.org”
There is also a Children’s version here:
Mourner’s Bill of Rights – Faith & Grief Ministries
When using this, remember that:
YOU get to choose which ones resonate with you, when and how.
There is no pressure. No right or wrong.
This is not an extended, limited list
And maybe there is a right that you would like to add to this Bill of rights.
Create your own:
Go ahead and make your own mourners bill of rights for the holidays.
Maybe you create one not only for Christmas and holidays but for everyday use in life., as your rights are not limited to the holidays!
Here are some of mine:
I have the right to not decorate or host Christmas AND put up my own Charlie Brown Christmas Tree
I have the right to eat a box of Ferrero Rocher’s, crying to the Sound of Music (and guilt is SO not invited to that event!)
I have the right to attend a get together and laugh and dance the whole way through-the right to experience joy, play and love AND be in my grief.!
I have the right to not answer every single text and call.
I have the right to miss them and sit in the dark and not talk to anyone for a few hours. (totally done that)
If you have any you would like to share, please do!
So please, this holiday season, I’m not going to tell you that you should “be grateful that others are still here”, or “don’t ruin other people’s holiday with your tears” or to “embrace the new memoires”.
What I will invite you to do, and you CAN do this with gratitude and love is:
Talk about your loved one.
Share the memories.
Yearn with despair
Weep the tears.
Laugh the joy. Or the pain.
Feel the fear.
Tremble to the anxiety.
Pace to the anger.
Cave into the anguish.
Stumble in the dark.
And do this all, with compassion, love, empathy and kindness.
Wishing you moments of solace, comfort and love this holiday season.
With love,
Fanie